Again, what is this?
I thought me, coming home after going "away" for quite some time would change things even in the slightest.
But the longer I'm here, the more that I've realised nothing's changed.
I don't want this. I don't want to feel this way.
The last thing I want is to become suicidal again.
Before all of this, I always thought of all that suicide crap and cutting and taking pills are just plain stupid. Why would anybody want to do that to themselves?
Even now, when those memories vanished in my head for a little while, I would still say the same thing.
I would think to myself why was I so stupid? What is your purpose in any of this?
Shit happens, get over it.
But once I take a few moments and try to re-live the moment, it all comes back.
You can never explain it really. What you're feeling.
I guess that is part of the reason why the only way in expressing(?) it is by doing all of those shit.
Your mind couldn't think straight. When all you've done is crying yourself to sleep every single night and couldn't really talk to anyone about it, you tend to think of the most stupid things.
It's in a level between sanity and INsanity, literally going out of your mind.
SUCH a close call that was. And I guess going "away" for whatever reason it was was the only way to save myself. from stupidity.
I've appeared to be complaining and take things for granted, but I am thankful though. Really. Just to be alive.
Just to be able to keep this secret. The last thing I want is to make my parents cry.
That's what keeps me going. I love them. With all my heart. Even though they were KINDA a part of the whole scheme.
But I am better though. It takes a lot. But I am.
It's just, days like these kinda pull me into the depression a little. Just thinking about it.
The fresh air of the mountain helps. A clear warning though, DO NOT read suicidal notes or stories or even movies for that fact, when you are depressed.
At that state, you are not thinking straight and everything that was outrageous to you before doesn't seem that bad anymore.
To be honest, I do sometimes think about it. A little. Only a little.
That's why I'm afraid. It's kinda like after taste. It affects you a little.
And I don't know if this is permanent, but just to be safe, I'll get myself some fresh air.
Oh boy I really hope no one finds this.
ps: there's always a little ps at the end lol. anyway, in the middle of writing this, a senior from my faculty (a drummer I might add) wanted me to listen to Something by The Beatles. It's such a beautiful song. Until he ruined it and said it was for me. I cringed. Just wanted to point that out. haha. Weird this world is.
